its the first real thunderstorm of our somewhat summer and i am sitting here in bed. I wish i wrote more in this stupid thing, but isn't that what i say every single time i write? the problem, as of late, is that i cant write about what i want to write about because its all political - its all people's secrets and dramas, all so stupid, everyone not getting along or getting along, and me attempting to build a career around all of this while also learning and dealing with backstabbing.
its politics, and i must be stupid for thinking that getting involved in politics was a good idea, i am sensitive and i just want everyone to get along - i want what is best for the people who have no voices - i want to be an advocate for them, not the rich, not the people in the party, and i don't like to play games - i am straight and honest about how i feel, i say what i think & mean what i say. If i like you, i like you. if i don't - i don't. There are no hidden meanings with me.
benton harbor is now a national - what is going on is national. this is our time to shine. and yet - there are so many things that are just... frustrating. but, oh well, it is a learning experience. the koch brothers are here - they want the lakes, they want the lakes & there are billions of dollars involved. i am one of six people, who have been organizing the protests & attempting to fight the EFM as well as understand just what exactly is going on & how far it goes. I have to learn urban planning, green renewal, how businesses work, all about water (because why do they want the fresh water - the more i know the better), cultural things that i simply do not understand, how to keep my mouth shut, how to wait in the grass like a tiger & strike when it is time, and everything is like chess but it is - on such a large scale & it involves peoples homes (they will be stolen), people's land, their rights, food, so many things. There is so much ego, too. And i know - it's politics.... but.... it just....
its frustrating. I wish i could openly talk about the bullshit i deal with.
Thankfully i have a group of great people who support me, and i have such an amazing boyfriend. I swear if i didn't have him i wouldn't be able to do all of this stuff. he is 110%, 120% supportive of my goals & he pushes me to do better, to be better, and believes in me. That belief translates into me believing in myself. He listens to me and lets me bounce ideas off of him. He is truly my other half and i love him. I can't imagine my life without him. Everything makes sense now.
I am on my path,
while it is frustrating sometimes,
i am so proud of myself - of where i have
come from to where i am now -
if you would have asked me a year ago, i never
ever ever would have believed i would be here.
i am happy, i am comfortable with who i am,
i believe in myself & know that i am capable of great things,
i am no longer afraid to be alive.
all of this -
it feels good. it feels really really good.
