dreaming.

 They tell me to listen to my dreams. And when I dream, I am usually a person watching in on myself, consious that I am dreaming, fully aware, wondering what it all means. Because I dream, I am. I wonder who I am becoming. I know a shift is arriving. I know I must take these steps, these very painful steps & I do not want to. I am fighting it, but I know that I have to. I know I will be in another hallow period, another desert period, so alone, so very alone. I know I must do this to get to where I need to be. That this will be like it was after the accidents, but different. That, I must in some way or another, go away. But I do not know where. I do not know what is in store. I only know that it is going to be difficult & that I must listen to all of the clues that are available to me.

& so i dream, and when i do, it is intense. it is intense & full on & like a movie. like many movies. what can i tell? bits and pieces, because it has been a good 12 hours since i woke up. but I will try.

I am living in Chicago. I am not thrilled about the fact that I live here, but I know that I must do it, that it is something that I need to resolve, almost prove - even. It is the fall, closer to winter and I am bundled up. In my head as I am dreaming I take note of this fact. That it is cold. I also take note of the fact that I am wearing very nice clothes. That, apparently, I am able to afford nice clothing - the type of clothing I have always wanted to have to express 'myself' - but have never been able to because I have never had the means to, the money. Inner me says (yes you have succeeded - yet, i am doubting it.) I am wearing a very expensive black coat, and black boots. Professional. I know already in the dream who I am working for.  Inner me is doubting this has happened. A voice, my guides, it must be, tell me that I have earned this. That I have worked for it, and that I am smart enough & intelligent enough. Yet I still doubt.

I rush across to a store - It's an expensive one. I need a new dress or something. I am not paying attention, but I sense him immediately. I have been dreading this since I have moved here. I look up. Our eyes meet. He can't believe what he sees. Which is that (and i am able to read his mind in the dream - I am successful, not a drug addict, that i am doing so well for myself, that i look so good.) I don't say anything, just continue to do my shopping. Apparently he works there. I find this odd, and also sad. I collect my things - the things I want to try on. His eyes follow me. I pay him no mind. I have a lot to do, a lot to do back at the office. I need to get this done quickly. I go to the dressing room, where I meet this woman -

she has black hair, curly black hair & very bright red lipstick. she fawns over me like i am someone special (and maybe i am?) but i know that she is not a good person. I get a bad vibe off of her immediately. I play the game however. I go to the dressing room & try on my clothes. I am not really into anything. There is something about a red dress. 

I loose my boots, or i go to buy boots. I don't remember. there are a lot of parts of the dream that involve the location of the store, because i think at some point i ended up back there. the woman becomes important later on.

I end up buying the dress & he waits on me. our eyes meet. i don't say anything. he doesn't either. I buy the dress. a simple transaction. I want to cry, at how cold it all is. at how cold and shallow the relationship has become. at how much fucking hurt exists. how could two people love & hate so much? and have so many years go on in between? I take my things & I tear up. I walk out. 

It is starting to snow, and I am walking up to a building, a very old one, almost like union station but not. It is where I work. I can hear him in my head. I know he is following me, but I am ignoring it. In my head in my dream I am wondering why i am ignoring him. In life i would never do that. I'd never be so cold.

We are having a press conference & I run inside. The dream doesn't show nor tell me what i do, but i know who i work for. It is all politics & it is hard, but i love my job. I am good at it. Something reassures me that this is what i need to do. I see marletta at the confrence. She nods her approval at me, silently. Marletta the silent judge. I know that whatever i have done is a good thing. The dream skips & I am watching the press & I am standing shivering. I see him watching me work.

He comes up to me. Finally. We talk. But it isn't all forgiveness and roses. There is much more snow. Something about the football stadium. Small talk. What has gone on in our lives. He asks if I want to come to his place. I say okay. 

We stop by the store, and that is when i learn that he is basically an owner. He runs it, but that, in some way, he is not a good person. It is hard to describe. He has a vibe to him that is like that of a wall street banker. at the store the woman with the hair & the lips flips out. she flips out on him and me. prior, it is revealed in some sort of flash back that she had offered me a job. I had said no. There is also some sort of other flash back -

the dream diverges for a bit -
I am looking for these guys in a hispanic part of town. I am in some sort of teen center, a rehab or something. Matt Davis is there. I am now 17 again. We are so deeply in love. In the dream i can feel that joy, that emotion, that i haven't felt since i was that young - what it was like to truly love someone in a way that is so pure & naive because you don't know what it will feel like to experience heart break so you don't put up a wall, you don't also protect yourself. Matt & I hold one another a lot. We kiss. Sometimes we are at work, at Tower Records instead of Record Town. And then, one day, Matt is gone. I am at a loss. I feel such pain in the dream. It is a kind of pain that is like death. (inner me is trying to tell me something, but i have no clue what it is)

And then suddenly I am with him again. We are at his house. It is this weird mosoluem thing. A fortress. It is like a church, but also a masonic temple thing, something he had to do to join, and you wouldn't know that people lived there. He lives in number 6. It opens when he walks up to it. It is then that i understand how powerful he has become, spiritually. Inside his house, there are all of these luxiourious things. I am facinated but i can't figure it out. I don't get a feeling that he is bad, but there is something not right.

There is some sort of weird sex thing going on too, but not with me... just other people that are there.

He & I, and his boyfriend go out to eat at some weird thai place. It turns into a strange meal. I end up following him in a car. There is something about how we can't get back to the house because they are filming in the downtown. What are they filming? The walking dead. Zombies. (there is symbolism here, not to be missed)  We are stopped in traffic. At some point I actually get out of the car to watch the shoot. I tell him about Ray and the now hilarious story of his "directing an episode of the walking dead" & we actually both laugh. 

Our eyes meet & then, all of a sudden - it's back. That... ability that we had in our real life, in real waking life, to communicate, telepathically. that ability that i have never had with anyone else & that i suspect i will never have again. In the dream, i can't tell what we are saying to one another, i only know that we are having a whole conversation.

And then, instead of being at his house, i end up in a car, with this jewish family. And i am on the way to their house in skokie. It takes forever. They are complaining about whether or not to go to Isreal or Turkey for thanksgiving. I tell them they are so very lucky to have the options. That i would like to be able to go to either. They don't understand that I am poor. In this dream I am not the same person. I arrive at their house, finally, and it is a castle. there are two girls who live there. an evevator. it is dectorated like a serious medevil castle, and the evvator keeps not working. the girls keep judging me & i am uncomfortable. finally we get out, to find their mom. There is a woman with a baby there. It is Milena. she hands me the baby & walks away. The girls find me, and the mother comes & talks to me. We talk about goth kids of all things, and I play dress up & put feathers in my hair. I do not get the feeling that this dream was trying to tell me much of anything.


And then, I am in a car. Devyn, is there. And a whole other family, And we are in a plane too. The plane is huge, and you have to go row by row and it is like a zig zag. Karin is there & Fab & they aren't talking & so is my family & each person has a private tv. I loose my luggage. I loose Karin. And My family. I don't really care. I am just crying (and inner me is emotional) because my family has given me the gift of a plane ticket to Paris. For some reason this is very important to me. I find Fab, and also Wim. Only, the plane ride isn't safe. Something is wrong. I am very afraid.
Then I am looking for Daire but can't find her, I am in france or something.

Only I am back in the united states, and I am in a car, but i can't fall asleep. I know that if i do i will die. I am sitting on a park bench but this bench is the car. A semi truck is driving all crazy, and i am in between the two. I have to hold on for my life & I am pretty sure I will be crushed to death (but yet inside i know it will be okay, death will be okay) and somehow i am not.

And instead, I am somewhere, on a highway, walking
and i have my period and it is gushing between my legs. It is embarassing because there are guys who are with me who i guess i want to impress but in the dream i also know that i could give a shit. I only have one tampon. I am on a highway, it's like the apocolypse happened & what the fuck am i supposed to do about being on the rag? so i bleed, as nature intended. But the bleeding is intense & it hurts. I am walking down the road, and then, i am picked up by a really expensive car, with these big time rappers. We are being shot at. The highway is all torn up & there are airplanes that have crashed that are all over. 

I wake up.
My dad is yelling at me to get up because I have to take him to the hospital.



There are some other random things that i can't place but remember -
like
-greer's film being done, in black & white & something about a red rose being in it.
-walking in a bad part of chicago & having a guy pull up in a shitty car (he is african american) & ask me if i have change for a dollar while he leers at me. I don't have change for a dollar. I get the feeling he thinks I am a hooker. I walk away in the snow. As i walk further down, another woman, also african american, tells me "girl, you just fucked up, that was (blah blah blah - i dont remember his name now, in the dream he had a name) & (blah blah). I don't know who these men are. I give her a blank look. She says "the biggest rappers in chicago? since Kanye?" I shrug. They picked up another girl further down the street. apparently they were recording what they were doing & it was live on the air on the radio and the girl that gave them change got to go out for a night on the town & was treated like a queen & all of that. In this dream, also, I am not white. I am also poor.

and those were my intense dreams.


i am wondering what they all mean. 
I wanted to write him a letter, against my better judgement.
but i didn't. there is no use. they told me not to do it. they told me he has served his purpose in my life & that now he is only a representation of something else. like matt. but what? what does he mean...?

the never ending battle for my heart

so i am wandering the maze that is the Scandinavian furniture shopping mall that is more or less 5 miles long looking for storage shit, wasting time and trying not to think about how my life has gone to shit (because it has, its pretty bad right now) and my shopping cart runs into this guy, and he looks like you, god, he looks so much like you, and our eyes meet and i wanted to run up and hug him, tell him how much i have missed him & tell him how fucking shitty everything is right now & how the week before everything seemed so damn great & then i fell off the cliff... my eyes look down.

he's not you, of course. but, god, he looks so much like you & his cart is all full of the same sort of things i have picked out, and then, i hear him speak, and he has an accent like yours, i am not even joking, and the hairs on my arm stand on end, and i just stand there in a time warp, because it's like,

all of these parallel moments, quantum physics and what have you and if choice a had led to d instead of c & could that have ever been you & i shopping for furniture or am i just being all stupid in my head and wishing for things i just know i can never have. i am paused, thinking about this and trying to not cry, because it's been an emotional week for me & i am holding this fucking candle holder, staring at it, when his asian girlfriend comes up to him all dressed like me, and i think to myself;

god, life has a way of torturing me.

i take my cart, and i move around the maze, because ikea is just this rat maze of cheap furniture, you know, cheap furniture for all of these women who are pregnant, i am one of the few who is not, who is single, bitterly single & angry & wondering what the fuck i am doing in the middle of suburban Illinois on a sunday with only fifty bucks at this place.... trying to ignore my fate, i guess. i was invited by a guy who is a photographer, a recent friend of mine, who didn't want to go alone, who i am going to, at some point, do a photoshoot with, but he is of course, on his own ikea mission for his furniture for his apartment. i am still living at home in my parents house. not a lot has changed, but everything has changed. i am so different as a person. very much ready to move on.

i find myself in the children's department, my original goal for being there to get my brother a nightlight for his birthday, like one of the little toys you and i both like. it lights up and changes colors and mood & it reminded me of his house which i have finally visited & my brother is angry and not doing well either so i figured a goofy toy that lights up would make a good birthday present because i always give him useless toys that i don't think he quite understands. i look at the stuffed animals, and as i am staring at them, i find, of all things, a stuffed rat.

ratty rat rat. the rat race. aren't we all living in it? i think. ironic that its a children's toy. i pick up a medium sized black one for $2.99. it is sitting on my bed right now as i type this. he doesn't have a name. i move my cart and who do i run into, but doppleganger you. our eyes meet again. shift down. pretend we don't see one another. keep on going with the maze. he with his girlfriend, and me with my haunted thoughts of you.