I just finished going through the majority of photographs I have that Ray Holycross left on my computer. It's hard to not feel horrible about myself & my own stupidity after going through such blatant evidence of disrespect towards me as a human being. I saw so many girls & yet - not a single picture of me existed. There were pictures of things we had done together but me, I don't exist. I shouldn't feel like shit over this, but it is hurtful none the less.
How does a person nullify the feelings that are left after a sociopath has tormented them? After the sociopath has torn a part of who they are apart....? I fear I may need to go into therapy to try to figure out why I let someone like him into my life. He was not the first time I have danced with the devil. And all this time, I thought that I was getting better. That I am a better person than I used to be. I know this is true, that I am a better person, a kinder person - but... It doesn't do much to help how my ego feels. My ego feels bruised and broken & I feel like I can never be enough for anyone. And was it so wrong, of me, to want to have a lover who was successful in life? To want a better life than I have & to expect that maybe, somehow, i could attract someone who wasn't a drug addict or a loser or lazy or a total piece of shit? I thought that I had found that in him. Instead, it turned out that he is, by far, the worst person I have ever come across in my life. Well, No, He's the second worst, perhaps even the third. There is also nicholas & a.j. - two other beings that should be wiped off the face of the earth.
I'm not sure why looking at all of those photos upset me so much. I didn't love Ray. I was to an extent, in love with the idea of him - the idea he had created, but, him as a person - not at all. We didn't even have a relationship. He took from me like a parasite & I allowed it because I am weak. I am too nice. I need to learn to have a backbone.
He scares me though. I am always double checking where I am and who is around me & I am always looking to make sure I have an exit. He has brought back a lot of the PTSD i can't seem to get rid of. Anxiety attacks happen a lot now. For no reason. Just out of the blue. I do, worry that he will come out here & harm me, or one of the other girls. He has no morals, no conscience. We are all just pawns in his little game that he plays to keep himself amused. The worst part is - there is no recourse for someone like him. None of us will ever get justice, or our money back, or our stolen items. He will continue to do what he has done to others (that i haven't found out about yet) & he will get away with it. Lets say, though, hypothetically that we are able to put a stop to him... then what? he goes away to jail or something for a little bit & then he gets out & god only knows how much he will hate us. He ruined B's life for far less. He's managed to fuck up my life pretty good.... & for what? I was nice & kind & generous & so was my family.
But that's the thing - you can not use logic or the normal human rules when you are dealing with a sociopath. Everything you know is false. These people are defective. We should honestly throw them on a horrible island & let them kill each other for sport.
4% of humans are sociopaths. It averages out to 1 in 25 Americans. This is far more than schizophrenics (ha & i've run across three of those in my life), anorexics (& i was one of those forever... & now i am fat), far more than we would ever think to imagine. When I read the statistics on sociopaths I flipped out. No wonder I have encountered two of them. Apparently they are everywhere!
I've been reading this book "the sociopath next door" which has proven to be really amazing & useful. It describes Ray Holycross to the T. I have so many sticky notes in the damn book that you would think that I am going to write a thesis. Hell, maybe i should. I don't think there is a memoir out yet about what all of us have gone through. Maybe I should write about him. Although i have no idea where I would start. But... i want to start writing again.... i used to be so great at it. Maybe there's a memoir workshop i can take or something. I need to earn back that 4 grand that Ray took from me... so i can go back to school.
sigh. i wish i had kept an accurate diary during this period. thankfully i was mostly sober nearly all of the time & not abusing pills or doing anything stupid so what is left of my memory is still in tact.
Maybe I should just continue to write in here... and say fuck it about privacy & the secrets I shouldn't tell. Who cares. Ray helped ruin what good things I had going for me by stealing from people I know. God, I feel so trapped. I want to flee this area so desperately but I can't even get a job. The one i had i lost once she found out about what happened with ray. I think she thought I would steal from her too. Or, at the very least that I am nuts & have too much baggage. Regardless, it sucks.
I spoke to my family about returning to school... but again, to pull this off i need to have a job. to leave this hell hole i need to go to school. i can't find a job & my student loan is defaulting and so i can't get any loans to go to school. the money my mother shelled out to ray was supposed to go to pay off my loan. Instead she handed him money like he was her kid & i was the one who was sucking off of the family like a goddamn leech. That is a whole other thing - what went down with my mom. I am still so upset about all of that.
Ugh.... it appears like the more i write what i am thinking the more i realize that i seriously need to see a therapist to heal from this mess. i am so unhappy right now. my work quit.... & i was scammed.... & taken advantage of because I am nice.... so many people have done that to me in these past few months. If i am honest with myself - I feel somewhat suicidal & that is scary. Not because of anyone or anything - I just don't feel like I have much left in me to fight against everything. If i am feeling this way already, during the summer, i can only imagine how bad it is going to be when winter hits. It doesn't help that i am dating someone who is more like my child than my boyfriend... things were great for a few weeks & then everything went right back to how it was when i broke up with him. I always feel like i am responsible for his entertainment. And i have to constantly ask for help. He will just watch me instead of actually helping me. At first, i was just hooking up with him because I wanted to get laid. After 7 months of no physical affection - & somehow Ray tried to tell me that he loved me & we were in a great relationship! ha - anyhow, after 7 months of no physical affection, no touching, no love, no FUCKING sex... (redundant i know) I needed to take care of some business. He was around & I had an itch that needed to be scratched & he knows how to scratch that itch particularly well. But - I didn't expect to end up back in a relationship with him. especially after.... well, after the fact that he has yet to do anything as far as the rules go - that i asked of him. But - if i break up with him, i will have basically no friends at all - because he is my best friend, my only friend here really. I don't count the people i work with when it comes to politics although some of them are my friends & i care for them - but what i mean to say is - they aren't my peers. They are all adults who have had kids - many who have children my age. There will always be this weird thing where i won't feel like an equal & they will parent me. And i don't mind being parented by those that i like - it's just... it makes me feel like the eternal child.
There are things I want to do, art wise.. and things I want to explore... emotionally. There are so many things I want to learn. Right now I feel so stagnant. Even if i get the internship with Obama - I still will need to figure out a way to pay for what i will be doing. And... i find that with all of this bullshit - republicans not being able to tolerate democrats and democrats not tolerating republicans & this fake outrage all of the time - I find that my passion for politics has gone down. Just in my experience alone it has been a place filled with really amazing, wonderful people & then also, horrible people, horrible icky icky people who are power hungry & in love with themselves. I want to help make the world a better place & i don't know if politics is the way to do that. But if i go to school i will major in political science & minor in social work.... and maybe, maybe do a double major or something. I'd like to do that. I'd like to learn a foreign language. I would like to travel. I would love to learn how to play an instrument. Marnie said she would give me a violin to learn on but then she got sick. I'd like to learn how to use a decent synth so that i can make music. I'd like to design my own clothing & learn how to sew. I'd like to write a book. I'd like to learn how to paint. I need a creative outlet. I don't have one & it is stifling. I'd like to go back to reading poetry on open mic night. Id like to put to words what i have been feeling inside lately. i'd like to paint that, too. And make music of it.
I don't know... going through those photographs, i could trace all of my past mistakes with Ray Holycross. I was able to make a rough time line. & the thing is - there are some girls that he appears to care about or be more fond of than others. Those are the girls who show up in the pictures. I wonder why he ever even bothered with me. I don't mean that in a self deprecating way, i just wonder what he wanted to get from me. If my mom hadn't gotten her inheritance there wouldn't have been any money so i am sure he would have bounced by the middle of january. But for two months or so he stayed here, with me, in my bed & we watched battlestar & we laughed & we watched politics & we went to my political events together & he got to know everyone who is important to me. During those two months he said he was "healing" from his heart attack (which never happened btw.. there is no scar & i don't know what the motivation was for making up that story) he slept a lot - i mean a lot & he ended up smoking a lot - i mean A LOT of pot. I questioned all of this, you know, since he supposedly was on death's door. When I asked him what happened, when he technically "died" he told me nothing. That,btw, is not what happens when you technically die. At least that wasn't what happened to me. I actually remember very vividly my experiences. That however, is another entry. Anyway, he really milked that heart attack story. He needed to appear vulnerable & worthy of pity. When i asked him, as time went on, for more details - he couldn't give me any. Then Mikey had his graduation... & supposedly this was a big deal because he could drink again (except you know, that he had been drinking the whole time when he went into chicago.. but i didn't know that) so he gets so wasted that he can't walk really & he pukes all over my brother's spare bedroom floor. It was disgusting. I was already in bed asleep because the drinks were really strong & i am a lightweight who knows when to call it quits. He got into bed with me & he kept asking me if I loved him, If i would be with him forever, If I really loved him... He didn't say anything about how he loved me - nothing of the sort. It was as is typical for Ray holycross - all about him. Then he tried to touch me - or whatever, and well... he had limp dick. I remember touching it and holding it in my hands and being revolted. So, there I am with my hand around his squishy cock & all of a sudden i hear him snoring. I was like.... "youve got to be kidding me..." but no, it was really happening. He had taken off his shirt though, which he never did around me & i knew - I knew there was a reason, which was that you know, his big massive heart attack wasn't real. I knew he was out so i took my phone & used the illumination to look at Ray's chest.
There was... no fucking scar. I remember flipping out. I remember my chest pounding & feeling like i was going to throw up. That...the suspicion i had, along with my mother & Daire (good ol daire fucking calls all of these guys out as soon as she meets them....) was actually true. That was a mindfuck.
I laid in the bed, with him taking up most of it, i should add, listening to him snoring... thinking about how i had been lied to. I thought about the sheer audacity of it. I thought about how, next to me, there was this person who had been totally lying to me for months. And how, he refused to have sex with me - citing his heart attack... only to find out that he was sleeping with more girls than i can keep track of while we were together.... anyway, i laid there & i thought about how I should just leave him stranded in Detroit. How great that would feel. Fuck you later... but i didn't want to cause a scene the very first time i was at my brother's house. I remember how i was already getting my hangover (because i have one kidney, i get the hangover midway through being drunk & i become miserable) & my head was pounding. I watched the sun come up in my brother's suburban neighborhood trying to figure out just what the hell was going on. I was in disbelief but inside of me, i knew he was full of shit. he couldn't give me details about his surgery. he couldn't tell me who the doctor even was, or what hospital it had been done in. He also told me that the hospital had a dvd rental thing while he was there so he rented dexter while he was 'healing.' I've never heard of any hospital having an inner system dvd rental place & i have been in some really nice hospitals. Again, i would just let it slide because... whenever i asked a question or stood up for myself or even got a bit close to the truth & calling him on it, he would insult me & tell me i was being a bitch or paranoid or that i was a drama queen. he would tell me that he hates fights but that i made him get into them. yes, i started the fights by asking him real questions - which came from a place of love & concern - and the thanks i got was being told that i was, more or less worthless, stupid, annoying & a drama queen. When i brought up the fact that if he had had a heart attack he should have nitro pills on him - everyone gets them, it's standard medicine he just looked at me like i was speaking in an alien tongue. When I asked if i could come with to his 'check up' he balked. When i would rag on him for smoking cigarettes constantly he would tell me that i needed to quit being such a nag. But seriously, who has a heart attack & then chain smokes every day afterwards?
do you have a guess?
DING DING
RAY HOLYCROSS does. because there was no heart attack.
so, i asked my brother if he would go out with me to lunch/dinner so we could hangout & talk. we left & while eating thai at my favorite thai place in ann arbor, i told my brother what i saw. my brother looked up the surgery online (he told me he had a defibrillator put in... others he told that he had open heart surgery) & it turns out that the procedure doesn't leave huge scars because they just put the defib into your heart via your arteries or veins ( i forget which it is) and so, that had to be the explanation... & it was dark & so i couldn't get a great look but.... anyway, my brother calmed me down & tried to tell me that i was being paranoid.
that was the first & last time i would get to see ray's chest... unless you count the photos he took of himself while beating off in my bathroom & in my brother's room. I wonder if, had i asked to see his scars - because when i would ask about his heart & when i got that look on my face (my facial expressions are very transparent - you can read what i am thinking by looking at my face) he would say "what, do you want to see my scar?" and i would say... yes. or sometimes no, that is quite alright. But, i wonder if i had pushed the subject further if he would have actually cut himself up & sewed himself shut for the sake of the story. what do you think?
My brother did his best to reassure me that Ray was not lying to me, nor was he a piece of shit. We both bonded over the fact that we weren't getting laid, amongst other things. My brother really liked Ray... until he didn't. when all of the shit hit the fan, my brother wasn't the least bit surprised. i wonder if that is because mikey was already looking into him.
The way home was horrible because there was a really bad snowstorm & to top it off i had to pretend like i didn't know that he was a liar. I did good though - i mean, he didn't notice that i was unhappy & contemplating what to do.
And then I got home & he was all affectionate (he had to be, i suspect he knew what i was thinking & how close he was to being thrown out) and we resumed our routine. The truth is also that i didn't want to be left alone in my room with no one to talk to. Did i mention how hard it is for me to find real friends? yeah, its pretty impossible.
I want to make one thing clear though - which is that Ray holycross is good. he will have you believing that you are whatever he says you are.... a bitch, oversensitive, unappreciative - whatever it is, he can manipulate you into believing that you are the one who is in the wrong. He is that good. But his eyes, those eyes are cold. The other thing i want to state is that, Ray has not broken me or destroyed me. I do, however, feel like it would be a good idea to see a professional about what happened because they would be best equipped to help me understand why i let someone like him into my life & why i continued to tolerate everything even though i knew in my heart of hearts that he was cheating on me & that he was mearly using me. I want to know why his not feeling affectionate towards me - why he never took pictures of me - like i am... someone to be shunned - i want to know why it upsets me as much as it does. why does it make me feel gross & ugly & ugh all of the shit that my brain will yammer out when i don't feel too awesome about myself. i need to know where this comes from. because logically - i should not give a fuck! but emotionally.... it hurts.
& all of this hurt - I have no one i can talk to about it. I can talk to Rachel because we are pretty much in the same boat - but i mean, i can't talk to anyone who is physically in my life. If i try to talk about it with wynn his eyes just glaze over like they do when i am talking about politics. that says a lot about our future, doesn't it? I want to know why i feel so hurt by all of this & why there is some part of me that still cares or is somehow trapped into thinking that my worth is somehow connected with how he sees me. and that maybe, he sees me as all of the things i see in myself when i am in my shadow self mode.
The upside is, however, that i am in very good company. So far i have liked all of the girls & guys that i have met because of this mess. At least he can pick cool people to hang out with. I do hope that I will be able to make lasting friendships with everyone. I would love to have some sort of "ray holycross fucked us over" kind of outing/gathering. like a family reunion for people who are all victims of the same smelly fat faced sociopath.
my god, did he smell. i told him he needed to wash his clothes & bathe himself & it was like... he enjoyed the funk. I think, partly that he enjoyed making my room smell like him - leaving his scent like a mammal does to declare territory.
Right so...another thing - he was obsessed with Dexter. thinking about how he has the capability to totally flip the fuck out - & kill someone - all of those late night viewings of Dexter put me at unease. Really... really uneasy.
If you are a victim of Ray Holycross & you are reading this - The entry you want where i explain what he does & who he really is - is the entry that is in June. When confronted about that entry that entry & its accusations - he said that i was just another jealous butthurt xgirlfriend. Right. Honey I am more than hurt, i am full of rage.
I should also state that that entry - which liz has been referring people to (hi!) is a copy of a letter i wrote & sent to his email a few days after our final fight - which wasn't so much a fight as it was me saying dont ever come back & don't you dare think you will get anymore money from us... I sent that letter. I didn't get a response, of course.
It should be noted though that i know for a fact he has read the entry below. That is the one that isn't pages long ramblings.
