this bites.

 I feel this isolation starting -
and i know that it is going to be trying,
rough, even, and that i am going to be tested,
in a lot of different ways & i am not thrilled.

i wish i had friends, like, people i could talk to. i just feel so ... detached.

not to mention bored.

there's so much to write about - about life, about trying to find a job, about politics & what a joke i sometimes feel it is, about interacting with my family, about watching movies & tv alone, about a lot of things.

I need to be busy. everyone else has started school, its fall and i am...
wasting away in my bedroom again.

i started emailing wim again, i guess because i miss him, and he is only words & he knows the real me, whoever that is - he knows me as a person, through the words that i write, and he is one of the few males in the world that i trust to tell me the truth, a person who won't feed me a line of shit. i miss our friendship. i wish he was more of a dreamer like me, but i like his being logical and slow and steady. he is who he is, i am who i am, and there will never be anything again, but i miss the idea. maybe that's it. i miss the idea of him. and i like our letters. maybe one day we will see one another again.

i am sitting here watching this lame wedding show feeling lame... great choice of wording. I can't sleep because i slept all day. wedding shows make me feel inept & behind in life. Like - these people, who are totally socially retarded - found someone to marry them... and i.... i can't find a person who is even remotely worth spending a month of my time with. No, seriously. I keep getting liars & thieves & instead of seeing it for what it is, i am oblivious. just wanting to believe that there's good in people.... but, no seriously - it's like when i go on facebook & i see that someone i know who is totally socially retarded & just... not someone i would expect to be in a functional relationship - is getting married;

and it makes me feel really fucking inept - socially, relationship wise, personally. i don't think that the things that i want in life are all that different from most people, and while i don't necessarily see myself married - i can envision myself in a functional relationship. i don't think that is asking too much. it really isn't.

instead,
i get an obsessive drug addict. who lies. because that is what they do. and when i try to date -
well that is a disaster. my god!

i just don't know what guys want. the ones that want me i sure as hell don't want.
the ones i am interested in, are briefly interested in me & then it's like.... over & i never know what the hell it was that i did that turned them off. this time i didn't even mention my actual life! i was late.. but i am always late.

i don't know.
i feel so lonely.
and i know i have to go through this, but god, i want to fast forward & be done already.
i want to move.
i want out.

i am so ready to be out.
and i feel like an asshole when i talk about other people, wanting what they have... or wondering point blank why the hell they have it.

ugh life is so hard.
it sucks.