dream.

i have a vague memory of my dreams from last night. ray and i, living together and laughing, his arms around me in a kitchen, not unlike balter's house. i got the sense that i was out west. there was a mountain there. and then, i am at school, carrying books. i am wearing a pencil skirt and a nice sweater and i am having a discussion with my teacher about something political. its important. i have written a paper that is really good... or a book or something? i walk outside, i am happy.

ray is gone, he's working in chicago. i left him the other day, he got on the train. i miss taking trains to the city. he goes to work and i stay here, and while he's gone i always deal with wynn and i can hear the anger and disappointment in his voice when i tell him that i've done it. i don't want him to be upset with me, i want him to understand that i deal with wynn because of my fear of death, and to remind myself of how strong i am. i deal with wynn because he needs a friend. i deal with wynn also because i am weak and i don't know how to cut ties from a person who is bad for me. that is also true.

.....and.... i guess i shouldn't have just left this entry. prolly should have finished it.