we watch battlestar gallatica at night and he holds me while my xboyfriend sends me text messages telling me how much he loves me, 'reminding me' of how much he 'loves' me. i cried last night shuddering tears, flooded with memories that i wished i didn't have to relive. it's hard to put into words ten years of mistakes, not necessarily mistakes but, a lot of bad things that i don't want to remember, and, a lot of emotional pain. time goes on, time always continues, making it so that the bad things that you have gone through - its all further and further away, but, man, sometimes, all it takes is for someone to say something, or do something, and -
you are fucking right back there. in those moments that you don't want to relive ever again.
i don't need to be reminded of my last relationship or why i ended it. i know why i ended it. i wasn't happy and i was becoming someone i hated. i slept more than i was awake, to avoid the fact that i was slowly beginning to hate myself, i was depressed and needed to be on more medication and i was slowly finding myself having completely illogical thoughts that consisted mostly of how could i end my life. i know these thoughts are illogical, and i know these thoughts are thoughts that i will deal with through out my life. they will come up periodically when winter comes and i will have to get on stronger medication and i will also have to address the issues that are really bothering me. i saw myself withdrawing from the people who cared about me, the few friends i do have. i never left my house or my bedroom. i became his taxi service. i also became his mother. while he did have the best intentions, i am sure, he let me live off of him. not to a degree where i got to do things that were awesome, we barely got by. it was a pretty dismal life. he didn't have a driver's license and refused to go into treatment so that he could obtain one. he wouldn't save his money and was waiting for me to get a job so that we could move. there were other things too, that bothered me. like, how he had to touch me all the time. i don't mind physical touch or connection, but, he had to always... touch me. sometimes he felt like a mole on my skin. i had to watch and limit how much he drank, and he always smoked right when he got in the car. when i felt like shit, he wouldn't offer to go get me anything, or offer to take care of me beyond the formality of 'i wish i could take care of you' via text message. he wasn't passionate nor interested in the things i am interested in. he said he read books when we first started dating. i gave him some to read. he never read a single one. i never saw any books in his house other than hunter s thompson and chuck p, the typical hipster bullshit that you would expect from someone who smokes too much pot and drinks too much. i begged him to figure out what the fuck he wanted to do in life, to find some direction. to enroll in school. to just... do something.
i was miserable. with myself. i had settled into a relationship that had done nothing for me. he was happy, and i didn't want to hurt him. so often, i think, when we are in small towns, we just try to find someone who is somewhat tolerable - someone who likes a few of the things we do, and we settle for it. i didn't want to settle. i don't want to settle. it became more and more clear that i was in a relationship that was like... my parents marriage. but... worse. this isn't to say that i don't like my xboyfriend. i do, as a person, he is a good, sweet guy. he will make someone very happy one day. it's just that someone isn't me. i need a person who will challenge me. who will make me want to be a better person, who will keep me interested, who mentally.... has something there with me. someone who, i can grow with. unfortunately, my x just quit growing years ago. you can't force someone to grow. they have to want to do it. and he doesn't want to.
he refuses to believe that it is over. and its over. VERY over.
i feel bad for him. i feel... horrible. i don't want to break his heart, but its become more and more apparent that he needs to have his heart broken. he needs to grow the fuck up. when i went to exchange his stuff & get my stuff, i found him all fucked up on heroin. he tried to blame the fact that he did the heroin on me. again, he refuses to take responsibility for his actions. i should say that i broke up with him because he stole 40 of my pills of percocet. with in the time span of a week. while watching me suffer from pain, daily, because its winter, and the weather makes my fibro really intolerable. he watched me suffer, unable to sleep, unable to function, and he took the medicine that makes it so i can function - because... well,
he said... he doesn't really know why. he said he just wanted to get high.
i said that it showed his character. and its not something i can forgive.
i broke up with him on the 21st of december. the day of the lunar eclipse. the day for people born during the sag/cap cusp to get rid of things and people that they thought they once would really need & couldn't live without but, upon further reflection, they really don't need said things or people at all. it's a day of rebirth, a day to grow. i turned 30 two days later.
when people asked me if i felt any different, i said not really, but the truth was, when i reflected back on it -
these past few weeks -
i really do feel different. i feel like i am coming into my own. i have gotten rid of a lot of people that were holding me back. i have gotten rid of a lot of very negative, shitty people. i have taken a lot of time to try to figure out who i am, and what is important to me. i have spent a lot of time trying to really grow up. i know a bit more about myself. i now know what i am passionate about. after spending years & years not knowing, and being so envious of all of those who were so sure of those things - and wishing i had... something i could put my energies into, i now know what i at least want to do with myself. i know what my favorite things are. i know what i will tolerate in a relationship, and what the fuck i will not tolerate. i am pretty sure i know what love is, and i am pretty sure i have found it with the person i have always loved but could never communicate with. we have started over, and i have been happy. he is not responsible for my happiness. i am. but i can see us having a decent life together. we are learning to communicate. we will see. i feel like turning 30 will be the year that i have come into my own.
i have hope. and that feels good.
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