twitter is made for vultures

when you took to the skies
leaving on a jet plane
you promised to be back,
within the blink of an eye

before i knew it,
before my heart could
ever begin to miss you
you promised to be back

so i wouldn't have to
contemplate the thought of loss
or how i would begin to live
without you -

but our plans for a life came undone,
and you never dialed my phone
i found myself sleeping all alone
with a broken heart i couldn't mend





the last time things went to shit with ray, i remember it all crystal clear. he went to boston. he said he would be back. he said, 'don't worry, babe, i'll be back soon.' the plan was to go to vancouver to see muse and spend the weekend there, because he really liked the city & wanted me to experience it. although i am not a huge fan of muse's new music, i liked their old stuff and i was game to go along. i have always wanted to go to vancouver - i had heard great things about the city, and about it's weed alone. a little get away for the two of us sounded really awesome. i was excited. i really was. i downplayed how much i was looking forward to it, because i didn't want to get my hopes up & have them crushed. i also knew that with ray, nothing is as it seems. he had told me that he didn't know what would happen between us, because of what was going on with his career - blah fucking blah - and i understood, it involved being god knows where, and working 15 hour days, sometimes longer. i knew that ray's ambition & drive would always be the first priority. that his career would take precident over me, and that i would never be the most important thing in his life. i understood that, and to a certain extent, i envied that - to be so passionate about something - to know -

to know what one wants... so badly that, you are willing to sacrifice love, friendship, relationships of all sorts in order for greatness - i respect that. i am jealous of that. i can not think of one thing i really want badly enough that i would sacrifice everything for. perhaps, love. but, i mean, not a career. i am not that driven. i love politics, it's a passion, but, it's not THAT much of a passion.

so, when he said that, i guess i understood, and i respected that. i didn't expect, at that point in time, to become his girlfriend. but the problem, the huge motherfucking problem with ray holycross was that he had me the minute he said hello. i was clay in his hands. weak in the knees. i knew i loved from that first date on. and, god save me, i never gave up on him.

did i ever really know him? i don't know if i did. all i know is that, after a few weeks of staying with me, and sleeping in my bed, he started to refer to me as his girlfriend. i found this to be strange, but i also thought that it was flattering, so i took it to heart. i more than likely shouldn't have. he could charm the skin off of a fucking snake, ray, could. and so, when he left, saying, 'ill be back, i promise, we'll go to vancouver, it'll be fine...' i should have just shut down internally. my insides were ringing alarm bells. they were screaming. i knew something wasn't right. i knew i was being lied to. somewhere, in there, was a lie, but i just wasn't sure where.

so what happened? he never called. he never called like he said he would. he never wrote me, he never text messaged me. he got angry at me for even asking if he was okay. he had this amazing ability to make me feel insane & insecure. mostly because before he left he rarely touched me physically, which led me to feel like i was undesirable & disgusting. i have issues, ok. a lot of issues. issues which i never ever told him about. it didn't seem like there was much of a point in opening up to him about how deeply fucked up i was, because, he had abandoned me once. i had learned the hard way.

i don't even remember what our fight was about. when pressed, he says he doesn't remember either, but i suspect that he remembers all too well. he's not the type to forget. i just know that he was supposed to come pick me up. i was waiting. he said he would be there at my house. and he never showed up. he just flat out stood me up. i had bought a new dress & everything. i was so looking forward to leaving town & going somewhere nice with him. why? because i loved him. why? because i wanted to spend time with him. i called him. he refused to answer. i left voice mails. i cried. i left emails. i asked what it was that i did that was so horrible. i asked if there was someone else. i asked for him to at the very least, be honest with me.

what i got in return was nothing. nothing but white, blank, utter deafening silence. do you know how loud silence can be? silence can be the loudest sound in the world when someone refuses to acknowledge your existence. it can be the cruelest sound in the world, too.

during this time, i had turned to his twitter to try to figure out just what the hell was going on with him. let me begin to say that i can not, can not, put into words how much i hate twitter. let me also say that, when in a 'relationship' with someone where that person is actively not telling you the whole truth but also keeping up a whole online persona, it makes it really really fucking hard to figure out just who the hell it is who you actually know. i mean, what person you actually know. i began to suspect that every single person he talked to on twitter was someone he was also seeing behind my back. and the worst part is, i am not this suspicious jealous person. i have come to realize i have some serious self esteem issues, but, i've never had issues so bad that i get jealous of what my significant other does over the damned internet. why? because that would be goddamned insane of me. but there i was, basically being froze out of my supposed boyfriend's life, all the while watching his life go by on his goddamn twitter account, wondering what the hell was so wrong with me that i couldn't even warrant a text message.

i never found out what was actually going on, why he did what he did, if he had been cheating on me or what. i suppose i should more than likely ask for my own sanity, if i am going to continue to be with him. my major problem with my relationship with him, back then, was that there was no foundation of trust. i didn't trust him what so ever. sure, he told me all these facts about his life, and i suppose i believed him, more or less, but i never really knew if i did or not. he seemed like a moral upstanding person, but my judgement in people is pretty, uh... well, its pretty shitty. i'm a pretty shit judge of character.

in the end we quit talking. he went his way, i went mine. i never asked why, he never explained why.

& then,

then we started talking again. its my fault. it's always my fault. because.... he got under my skin. and once he got under there, he has stayed there. and i was curious. i wanted to know how he was doing. so when i saw him online, i would ask. i would ask and i would wonder & i would talk to him. the conversations were usually short at best. i had a boyfriend & i didn't want to get emotionally involved with an x while being in a relationship. i just, i couldn't do that. at one point he had messaged me about a vacation - thats what we did together, he & i - we were vacations from each other's reality. i ignored him. admittedly, i was still pissed. hell, to this day i am still pissed. but, you have to forgive. the short of it is we began talking. and we talked every night. he was in a bad situation. i was in a loveless crappy relationship. it was nice to just talk to someone about the things i am passionate about. in the end, i helped him out of his situation. he came up here. he said he loves me. i said i love him. we've been together since.

well, today he went into chicago for a job interview. i don't know if he actually had a job interview or not. i really hope he did, seeing as my mother paid for him to go into the city. he was supposed to get in touch with me to tell me he made it there okay. it was 11 at night and i still hadn't heard from him. he said he would call or email me. i had heard nothing. so, i made the mistake of going on his twitter. now, i know better. i know that going to his twitter feed is opening a can of worms that i do not want to see. i know that it will only make me unhappy, make me feel insecure, and more than likely make me dislike him. but i did it before i had thought about all of that. it was too late. and, it was there that i found him talking to a girl from la. talking to a girl from la who had just moved to chicago. who had just moved to chicago yesterday or the day before. talking to her about how he wanted her to move to chicago. talking about the two of them seeing one another. in chicago. she 'makes' movies. they talked about seeing muse. strange, because, you know he & i were supposed to go, and well, he just bailed. i don't know. he spends so much time on his phone, on the goddamn twitter and doing whatever else & i don't ask to read or see what he does because like, im supposed to trust him.

the thing is....

i sent him a letter a while ago, a few days ago, saying that i loved him and i gave him all the reasons why i loved him. he read it & after wards, he said, 'i read your letter, its cute.' that was hardly the response i was looking for.

i don't know. sometimes i fear that i love him far more than he loves me. so i've cut back on telling him that i love him. i don't try to kiss him. its not like we have sex, we can't because of his heart. which is like, well it sucks.

and i don't want to think that i can't trust him, that, he doesn't love me, and that worst of all he is taking advantage of me, and worst of all of that taking advantage of my family. he prides himself on his morals and i really thought he had/has them. but i don't know. it looks fishy, and it feels fishy. if it looks fishy & it smells fishy, and it feels scaly,

its prolly because it's a goddamn fish.



& i don't,

i so don't want

my goddamn heart
to be broken.

i don't want to go back to being alone
all alone, in this shit hole town
with my crazy family
and my x boyfriend who has taken to shooting up heroin
and blaming it all on me

i want my boyfriend to fucking love me
not someone else
i want him to love me

is that so much to ask?
is it?